I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
