I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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