That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize