I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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