Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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