She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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