You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
