I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I deserve this hangover.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
