I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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