Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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