So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
