Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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