sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
