he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
