it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
