remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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