when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
