I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
