i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
