OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
worst night to have a conscience
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I don't deserve a penis
be right there i have to get my cape
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
