yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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