Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
