long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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