I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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