Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
