I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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