You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
