Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
