I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I am full of burrito and curiosity
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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