I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize