Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I supernannyed him into submission
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
