I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
