Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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