k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
