i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
