Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize