census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
