accomplished twins. life is a go
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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