Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
