One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
its liver damage thursday
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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