Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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