I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
