no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize