Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
