does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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