sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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