just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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