Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
