My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
