he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
