I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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