shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
