I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
