omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
If I die, sorry about rent.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
