she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i out mim tonsoeep
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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