I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just found puke in my bra..
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
