Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
