I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
