My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
