Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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